(Published: Saturday, January 09, 1999)

   With smart clothes

   It could be a bad day for self-esteem when your clothes are smarter than you are, but don't dismiss the idea. Some makers of high-tech performance outerwear are claiming so-called "intelligent" textiles are the future for coping with the cold. The fabrics would adjust to temperatures and heat you up or cool you down as needed. Willis & Geiger, the retailer that put the first zipper into an army flight jacket in 1932, is marketing Diaplex. It is a laminated fabric invented in Japan and based on aerospace industry technology. The company says the fabric works to keep an internal temperature of 32 degrees. For outdoor sports, one advantage is it eliminates much of the need to add and remove layers. Diaplex also is used in parkas and hiking suits and can be worn indoors in lining for pile jackets and shirts. For a catalog, call (800) 223-1408.

   With fashionable occupations

   From GQ magazine comes confirmation that almost anyone who is anyone is getting into the men's fashion business. Rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs (Puff Daddy) and his label, Sean John. Like his music, the styles are derivative of established hits. "I'm a little bit Hilfiger and a little bit Calvin," he says of his knee pants and "Star Trek" tunic.

   With advertising bulls

   A mayonnaise manufacturer sent 10 bulls stampeding down Wall Street last week in what might be the tip of the weirdness iceberg for 1999. The bulls were cheered on by humans dressed as giant containers of Hellmann's mayonnaise, Skippy peanut butter, Mazola corn oil and other Bestfoods products. No New Yorkers were gored during the event, unfortunately.

   With Amy's ex, what'shisname

   Singer Gary Chapman must be wondering about his identity. In the wake of an announcement that he and gospel/pop diva Amy Grant are splitting after 16 years of marriage, one newspaper did a story on whether conservative Christian music stores would continue to sell Grant's records, but made no mention of the fate of Chapman's albums. And USA Today ran a photo of Chapman -- except it was Steven Curtis Chapman, another gospel singer. Of course, it could've been worse. They could have run a photo of Mark David Chapman (who didn't like singers very much at all).

   With alarming bar trends

   Nightclubs in Dallas are promoting "karaoke soap opera" nights, in which customers stand up and mouth the words to their favorite daytime soap scenes.